Yesterday I was so blessed. A dear, kind, cherished friend treated me to a massage, spa, and lunch, because she recognized I needed a "me" day. Lucky me. I was near tears by the end of it, so moved, so cherished. Perhaps that was my undoing. It is amazing what I can accomplish when I just keep going; there is so much I can deal with and tolerate, even in anger, but the kindness opened me up, and now the tears, which were never very far, are even more near the surface. But, worse, I feel broken somehow.
My husband has ALS, and my eldest of 3children has ADHD and ODD. We are an alphabet soup family! But the heartbreak of ALS is somehow more manageable than the challenges of ADHD and ODD, because I know I am helpless to change my husband's journey; I am along for the ride and there to help make the memories precious ones. But because I am his mother, and as a result have a hand in helping him meet his challenges and make his choices, managing my response and feelings with regards to my son can be very hard. Watching him make the wrong choices, and seeing the subsequent heartbreak, breaks me. Every day we have the same issues, the same challenges, and hear the same shrieks, disrespect, defiance. Every day he somehow hurts a sibling. Every day I need to remind myself to take a breath, to give him a few extra minutes to make a good choice, to back off when the impulse is to get in his face, to reign in my anger and frustration. And every day I feel that I am failing him somehow or failing my other children.
But I keep going, as I am a mother and it is what we do, because I love them all, because I know that he is trying and is making better choices. And I contain my tears, my pain, my fears, and my hurt. Yet I am undone by kindness, and somehow containing it all is harder, and beside my friend's compassion and generosity I feel so small, and so inadequate. I just want to curl up in someone's arms and cry for all that is wrong, and all that is unjust, and all that I need to do and be better.
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